Well. The results were interesting/amusing/disturbing enough that I thought I'd share some of them here. So, as recorded by Google Analytics, here's a sample of search engine keywords that have led visitors to my main website's pages over the past twelve months:
First, the egoboo:
At the top of the list (by frequency) are general permutations of my name:
- mark bourne — with or without enclosing quotation marks
- mark bourne books
- mark bourne fantasy
- mark bourne seattle
- mark bourne website
- mark bourne writer
Sometimes my fiction or other work has been searched out specifically:
- mark bourne action figures — My Realms of Fantasy story, or else a new line of toys I'm not getting royalties for.
- mark bourne boss "alternate tyrants" — Alternate Tyrants was the Resnick/Greenberg anthology with my Al Capone story, "Boss." One of my favorites, actually, in a book that received zero promotion as far as I could tell.
- mark bourne - brokedown — One of my Fantasy & Science Fiction magazine stories.
- mark bourne brokedown summary — Just read the fucking story, person from Budapest.
- mark bourne mustard seed — Another F&SF story.
- like no business i know mark bourne — My second Chicks in Chainmail story (I referenced those books recently here).
- mark bourne xora — A character in my second Chicks in Chainmail story.
- mark bourne the nature of the beast , the nature of the beast by mark bourne — An Aeon magazine story told from the point of view of an elderly Ann Darrow some decades after the events of the original King Kong.
- boss: an oral history of the rise and rise of president alphonse capone — That's the title of a fictitious Studs Terkel book within my Alternate Tyrants story "Boss." Odd that someone was looking for it specifically.
- mark bourne what dreams are made on — My Full Spectrum 5 and university textbook antho story.
- My Sherlock Holmes in Orbit story, "The Case of the Detective's Smile," is far and away the most popular published story I have on the site, with new pings almost daily. Search variations have included:
- detective's smile — Dozens of 'em.
- mark bourne the case of the detective's smile sherlock holmes in orbit
- the case of the detective's smile amazon
- the case of the detective's smile download
- the case of the detective's smile audiobook
- the case of the detective's smile mark bourne read online
- mark bourne short story collection — Looking for the OOP Scorpius ebook or a print collection (alas)?
- stories and mark bourne
- mark bourne star trek — My ST planetarium show?
- mark bourne ray bradbury — I directed a couple of his plays and corresponded with him back in the day.
- what are mark bourne books about? — I’d like to know the answer this person came up with.
- I've written over a half-million words for various venues on movies and such things (and have this "mostly movies" blog here), so related searches on record include mark bourne film critic, mark bourne film.com, "mark bourne" dvd, and mark bourne films.
- mark bourne dr. jekyll — I sure hope this referred to the appropriate movie write-up.
Of course, there are plenty of Mark Bournes in the world, especially in the UK, so the site has received hits from strangers probably disappointed to find the wrong one:
- mark bourne architect in omaha
- markbourne comic book artist — I wish that were me.
- mark bourne medieval — not "...on your ass," alas.
- mark bourne football — So not me.
- mark bourne first christian church of merritt island — Ditto.
- mark bourne looking for love — My favorite.
Now it gets amusing. Or just weird. Several of my pro published stories are archived at the site, and Google searches that land people on them can be … varied. Here are selected keyword sets that have led wayward netizens to various parts of my site. These are verbatim and unedited:
- "and a beautiful diaphanous girl willing to be turned into a chimpanzee"
- "and thence we came forth to see again the stars" dante means what?
- "let me tell you bout momo, the missouri monster"
- "the sign said" "harlan ellison"
- a man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillers
- a piece of something that drove a woman insane literature
- action figure that look like a fly
- action figures pamela anderson — also "pamela anderson action figure" on four separate occasions.
- al capone still alive
- alien seed in her belly
- almost naked action figure
- and my younger brother received pigeon shit in one of his eye when he looked up in the sky to see if it was an aircraft or something else
- baboons fucking a human being
- the beast of titan his snout sniffed the air
- big bat like things that wrap their wings around people and liquefy them movie
- bloody roosters of cantaloupe isle
- bruce willis action figure doll
- building instructions for star trek space docking station
- bulging breechcloth
- captain dichario, star trek — (The name of the main character in Star Trek: Orion Rendezvous. Named after writer and Rochester, NY pal Nick DiChario.)
- cary grant swims from one backyard pool to another to get home
- casablanca movie vs antigone by anouih — (There's a college freshman I don't envy.)
- chritian groups og the 90'simage lord i've reached the mark once more
- cosmic irony in the love song of j. alfred prufrock
- cum sprite mistress elf
- deadly figures and pamela anderson
- des belles et une bete dog sex dvd
- detached from brain .... soul adrift
- did a human being think with his mind or his heart?
- disturbed woman and a beast of nature — (This one appears twice, from separate origins and dates.)
- does anyone remember that ghost story from in a dark, dark room? it’s the story about the little girl that had a ribbon tied around her neck, she had it throughout her whole life until she grew old and sick. when she laid upon her death bed, she asked her husband to untie the ribbon.. he did, and then her head fell off.
- don't tell me the moon is shining in russian
- dream hairy palms hairy wrists
- eating whipped shit
- everything about western literature
- fat couple action figure
- fat women action figures
- fiction he like to spread eagle hairy women
- floating giggling dirigible — (My Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine story "Being Human" has just such a character.)
- galactic wizard bus
- gardner dozois mark twain invented television
- gates mcfadden legs
- gates mcfadden leg video
- gates mcfadden long legs
- gates mcfadden young
- giant man huge erection grew walked towards her screamed
- going to museums is very educational
- greek mythology believes that many millions of years ago men and women were adjoined. having 4 legs and 4 arms. believing that they had become too powerful, the gods decided to cut them in half. leaving them forever to search for their soul mate.
- "he kissed her" "she slapped him" "script"
- "her skull" "her brain" wires breasts cock
- her wings made it difficult for her to get into the car
- hollywood undead im sorry no nuther web.com
- how is it like being human?
- huckleberry finn link to cosmology
- "i entered him" -butch -rooster -fair -competition -cat -dog -race
- i got us an itinerary. afraid to fly girl, it's not that scary. i want to show you around the world. i only pick a few so that makes you a special girl. its somethin about the way you smile. those dimples in your cheeks just drive me wild
- i have the cape, i make the fucking whoosh sound
- i realize that i miss being human
- i would like the joke about different parts of the body wanting to be boss of the body , but only the asshole can be the boss.
- if it wasn't me but i really ferocious beast i would just take you and they would have to lock me up forever until i died and went to hell where i would finally learn my lesson and return as me who would never dream of doing that again. its good that i wouldnt.
- is philip glass a cat person or a dog person?
- jeff goldblum flirts
- jeff goldblum intensely private person
- jeff goldblum touch nose on subway
- judy garland wore prosthetic in nostrils in wizard of oz
- jungle fuck a monster beast
- king kong blonde tied to poles
- "king kong" hanging wrists "ann darrow"
- king kong tears away fay wray's dress
- kong ann torn dress
- kubrick movies sex with many women, cuckoo clock, kubrick
- laser show slugs story faerie — (Someone seeking my first "Chicks in Chainmail" story. I hope.)
- lawyer action figure
- mark proving god's love through the solar system
- metal tight body move my tried sit up mouth device
- movie about woman visit village and beast descending from hell
- photo of chimp dressed in denham
- pics of guy goes so fast then stops his eyeballs fall out
- picture of silver slug slime left behind
- pictures of women with wrists bound by manacles and chains — (I'm not including similar search phrases that are more disturbing than this.)
- rachel sunk back in her chair, clutching her throbbing head. she picked up the roses and inhaled deeply the sweet sent. but there was nothing sweet about this gesture.
- retro sex movies 1922
- reverting to my unchained-beast like ways
- roles and responsiblites of the bridge staff on a federation starship
- sexy adult fantasy action figures
- sexy posable pamila anderson toy action figure
- shitty action figures
- short stories on difficulties of being human
- slugs laser show planetarium story — (And another search for that "Chicks in Chainmail" story. Again: I hope.)
- small bald spot crawling on back, head, top spine
- space chimps movie flesh devouring beast picture
- spock visine whale
- sun palace has earned mark bourne — (From Bangkok. Being here in Seattle, I'd like a sun palace, yes, please.)
- tiny men being stepped on videos
- warlock summons a demon and she turns him into a girl
- wasn't jeff goldblum married a third time?
- what are the chances of our visiting mercury on a field trip without using the magic school bus?
- when da vinci saw saturn's rings — (DaVinci, Galileo, whatevs)
- where in the bible does it say that satan is wrapped in diamonds
- works of western literature, mark bourne
- yell at me. leave and come back to me. musicians, painters, poets, sculptors, actors, writers, all they who like me misplace their love, who stuff it into mirrors, shatter them into half-truths, and paint the pieces and hand them out. i am compelled by a desire for them. aren't you? legless birds. we are all just too funny, too ugly, our coughs too thick to ever be tired of. bark. bark. bark at nothing.
I only hope that these visitors enjoyed whatever landing pages my site offered them, and that otherwise they found the sites (or psychiatric care) they needed.
Music: Betty Carter, "You're Mine, You" ("femmejazz" playlist)
Near at hand: Glass of Argyle Brut
