Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My Oscar predictions that didn't come true: 2011 edition

Because I scored so well last year....

Upset at his lack of Best Director nomination, Christopher Nolan reveals that the entire Academy Awards audience has been "incepted" and folds the Kodak Theater over on top of them.

In a surprise appearance for The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg opens his laptop at the dais and instantly downloads the contact info, personal photos, bank accounts, and sexual proclivities of every viewer in the world, everywhere.

Hailee Steinfeld and James Franco meet at the podium and club each other with the arms they lost in their respective movies.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco display such relaxed charm and sparky chemistry that they are made Oscar Hosts For Life. Franco telling Anne that she "hath a way" with words becomes a clip repeated in all forthcoming Oscar montages.

Colin Firth arrives onstage with Larry the Cable Guy, and together they remove their shirts to show us the scars proving the rumors that, yes, they were conjoined twins separated at birth.

James Franco. Period.

While performing her own Interpretive Dance tribute to The Black Swan, the self-referential motion meta-recursion causes Natalie Portman to open a hole in the space-time continuum and bring about the entropic heat death of the universe, like in that Doctor Who episode.

Jeff Bridges, unable to shrug off the "Method" immersion he used for True Grit, arrives on the red carpet with his own portable caption generator.

Former Catwoman Halle Berry and future Catwoman Anne Hathaway jump in and out of a cardboard box, ride a Roomba, and reprise their roles as "Surprised Kitty." Academy audience sets the record for longest sustained "Aaahhhhh...."  YouTube video goes viral.

The fact that I'm now old enough to be Jennifer Lawrence's father doesn't make me feel the least bit uncomfortable and sad.

Kirk Douglas proves that he is Banksy and has been all along.

Melissa Leo saying "fuck" during her acceptance speech is, disappointingly, the peak event of the evening. Hey, wait, I scored one!